The Truth

I just finished reading a chapter in a book, and it gave me a sense of freedom.... temporarily.  The chapter was titled "Things I Don't Do," or something like that, and the author Shauna Niequest talks about the list of things she doesn't do.  The idea of that is so liberating to me.  Gardening was on her list.... she said she might someday, but doesn't right now.  And I thought, "Whoa.  Instead of feeling guilty all summer that I didn't enrich my childrens' lives and teach them about living off the land, I could just put it on my list of things I don't do."  And I felt better about that... for a minute.  Until I realized that I do want to teach my kids to garden.  I want to grow some vegetables, and some herbs, and watch the wonder on their faces as they realize they planted the seeds and watched them grow.  But something's gotta give, and so for right now, it's gardening.  I'm putting it on the list.  But here's the thing: I really want it to be off the list by next summer.  So is it really on the list?

I feel like I am on the cusp of some self-discovery here.  Like God is using homeschooling to reveal some things about my character.  Like that I may be a perfectionist is some strange, oppressed way (in that I don't want to start a project -- grading, cleaning, anything -- unless I can mark it off the list).  And that I am a people pleaser (duh).  And that as much as I want to do it all, I can't.  That is probably the toughest one for me.  Because I have serious self-worth issues about the things I don't get done.  And homeschooling reveals all of these things to me, but maybe just to me.  To the outside world, it may still look like I get it all done.  So here I am, revealing the truth.

Perfectionism: I would never consider myself to be a perfectionist in the truest sense of the word, so maybe this flaw needs a different name.  But I do know that unless I think I can get something all the way done, I just don't start it.  If I can't get the whole house cleaned, why use the five free minutes I have to clean the toilet?  If I can't get all the essays graded, why log in to just grade three of them?  If I can't commit to working out all week, why run today?  You can see the pattern.  It is such a ridiculous mindset, and you would think recognizing the problem would basically ensure solving it, but it's not the case.  I constantly struggle with it.

People-pleaser: I have some issues with homeschooling.  I worry what people think.  And I absolutely hate worrying about what people think, especially when it comes to my children.  So homeschooling is like my people-pleasing nightmare.  I worry about what people think of me homeschooling our children.  I worry that I am not doing a good enough job.  I worry that other people think I am not doing a good enough job.  I feel like I can't talk to anyone about my fears because most people would just say "If it is so stressful/worrisome, why don't you just put them in school?"  I want to be myself.  The non-schedule, do what's fun, spend lots of time with family and friends.  Only I am learning that doesn't work with homeschooling.  And the people-pleaser in me wants to be that super-flexible, fun, help-a-friend out kind of homeschooler (if for no other reason than to make homeschooling look cooler), but IT DOESN'T WORK.  I am trying desperately to get us on a schedule that works for us -- one where I have time to work with the littles on doing fun, preschool things, where I have plenty of time for reading with Abe, where I have time to get my WIU work completed sometime during the day instead of nights and weekends, where I get all of the cooking and cleaning and shopping done.  In my head I picture a perfectly efficient day where Dar comes home to happy, educated kids, a clean house, a wonderful dinner (though not made from homegrown vegetables -- because that's on my list), and a sane wife.  So far though, I am not there.  I want to be able to visit with a friend and run errands at the drop of a hat, but what I am learning as time goes on is that as much as I want to enjoy the flexibility of homeschooling, I''m not there yet.  Yes, we might be able to swing Friday morning soccer for Charley, but somewhere else the week will suffer for it.  And then I start questioning that I am depriving the littles of activities because I can't afford the time.  But if I am honest about it, that isn't true.  We will still do soccer for Charley, but he wouldn't be harmed in the long run if we didn't.  What I am saying is that the people-pleaser in me wants to do it all, and do it well and calmly, but God is revealing to me that a lot of that desire is wrapped up in pride.  Ugh.

I find myself daydreaming about organizing my linen closet, or finally unpacking and arranging my laundry room.  In fact, this morning I even had a daydream about deep-cleaning the entire house (or at least swiffering).  But for now, those things are on the back burner.  I struggle with feeling like so many of those things could really enhance our quality of life, but right now I just can't fit them in.  I know I need to be a better time-manager, and maybe for a while I need to swing to the extreme scheduler side of things (where I schedule in down-time).  I cringe at the thought of a tight schedule, but I am probably the most stressed I have ever been in my life.  I want to do a good job educating my children and my students at WIU, I want to maintain friendships, I want to lose weight and get back to exercising regularly, and I want to make Dar proud by running a clean, comfortable and efficient home.  I want to keep better track of our finances (maybe even someday do fancy pie charts like my brother-in-law).  I know Dar won't love me any more or less based on that, but I still want to do it.  So, as you can imagine, I don't really have anything on my "Things I Don't Do" list yet (except for gardening, which has been put there temporarily).

Sidenote: I did, however, realize that I don't like carving pumpkins.  I had something to do on the only night we had available to carve pumpkins, and I was so bummed to miss it..... until I realized that I don't even like carving pumpkins.  I just want my boys to be able to do it.  So I can put that on my list.  Ah, success.

This stack of books is a glimpse into my head.  Tons of books on Ethiopia, because I  feel it is my responsibility to know about the culture before I go.  And kids' books about Ethiopia because they should know also.  Books about Thanksgiving because I worry that my kids won't have as much fun as the public school kids unless I make it really special.  Books about the new Common Core standards because they stress me out.  Books about religion because I am really trying to grow in that area.  Books about the next two letter of the week, because I am trying to be prepared.  And books that I just want to read, but probably won't have time.  I have 47 books checked out from the library.  I need an intervention.

This is probably too much information.  And these thoughts don't run through my head all of the time, but I do think they are a constant source of distracting background noise in my brain.  The bottom line is that I feel everything in my life right now has value.  As tough as homeschooling is, I absolutely feel it is the right decision for our family right now.  I believe that all of the craziness and hard work is worth it.  I am so thankful I get to be the person who is most present in my childrens' lives.  And even if I am more than ready for them to go watch a cartoon by 9 am on some mornings, I know what I am here.  I know I need to put a few things in place to try to be more productive and efficient throughout the day, but beyond that, I need to take these thoughts captive and rest in knowing that my worth isn't in any of these things.  My worth is in Him.  (Though I still think He would like me better if I grew a garden.)